a daily discussion of doing things different
A deeper talk on life choices, from someone who hasn't had much life to live yet.
I was asked a question the other day that had really stuck with me:
"Would you have done things differently?"
Now it was a simple question in a completely lighthearted conversation, but something about hearing those words truly stuck with me. It's one of those questions that your response may be a quick no-brainer. A simple yes or no with a little thought beforehand and maybe a crumb afterwards. Or it stumps you. You get torn in two directions because you just don’t know.
I was talking with a new coworker about family. We usually fill our side to side cubicle chatter with what we watched on TV last night, the nice lady we saw at Starbucks that morning, or the typical "Look-At-What-He-Said-To-Me" text thread catch up. But on this particularly slow and dreary day, we talked about family.
See, I'm an open book (maybe a little too open at times) and I always find myself sharing heartfelt and profound stories or words of advise, especially on more sensitive topics. Now, my coworker Bre, who just turned 22, is bright and cheerful. And she is almost never serious. She's our office jokester and is a total chatterbox that you can't help but smile and listen to whatever she is babbling on about. Yes even the HOUR long ramble of her favorite shampoo being discontinued.
The usually energetic redhead was more mellow than usual which led me to do more of the talking.
First we talked about chocolate. She swears she will find a dark chocolate I will like. I've tried convincing her that they're all just too bitter and my sweet tooth is just too strong. Chocolate led to food talk. We established neither of us can cook but hey, what 20 year old can? But then food led to holiday dinners and we went from casual comments while typing up our daily reports to fully attentive and hushed tones.
Me and Bre live very different lives. She is in college, lives with her boyfriend and sister, goes to church with her parents weekly, and has rats in her apartment. Okay, okay... SINGULAR rat and his name is Rocco and he spends most of his time in a cage BUT... Nothing cracks us up harder than every day at 5pm when she makes her usual "I can't wait to get home" comment and I say "Where, to the rat house?" or "Oh.. There's rats there don't ya know!"
All rat talk aside, she has a pretty well rounded life. I, on the other hand, do not.
I live by myself in a tiny studio apartment with my lazy ball of hair that is considered 'a cat.' I don't see my family as we're all spread out across Washington and across the U.S. in general. I just work and come home and repeat. Now when I tell people this I get almost immediate "Aww's" and "Oh's" and no, not like when you see a cute dog, more like when you see a cute dog begging their owner for a treat and they never get one-everyone just feels bad.
So when I explained my Mom moving out of state, and me moving to the city for more jobs and deciding to live by myself, she asked why. I explained how I usually do. It just seemed right at the time, plain and simple. Now most people are content with that and move on, but I should've known better from Miss I-Have-Looked-All-Over-Amazon-And-In-Stores-But-I-Will-NOT-Stop-Until-I-Find-My-Favorite-Shampoo.
She asked "Would you have done things differently?" And I stopped. I've been on my own for a year now. My life has had a million ups and downs in these 12 months alone. I shrugged her off with an "Eh, I don't know." One thing I've grown to love about her, is she will pry an answer out of someone and I was not exempt from that.
So I thought. I thought about my old life a lot, which is something I do quite often. I thought about living in the tiny blue house with my sisters and their kids. How loud it was. How warm it was. I lived 5 minutes from my best friend since I was 11. My Mom would come into my room every day just to talk with me. There was music, and laughter, and little kid's feet pattering 24/7. It was a tiny house that from the outside looked like it was bursting at the seams, but maybe that's because there was so much love in it.
Then I thought about my life now. I come home to a clean apartment every day. I get to watch what I want on TV, when I want to. I get to leave my dishes in the sink. And it's quiet. Very quiet. So quiet all I've been able to hear is that question- "Would you have done things differently?"
For a second, I could've said yes. I could've said I would go back in time and beg my Mom to stay. I would've stayed in my hometown. I'd stay in my little bubble with my minimum wage job and my best friend and my coffee stand workers down the road that had gotten so accustomed to seeing me I'd get an "Oh my gosh it's Chloe!!!" And they'd know to put extra extra caramel on the cup every time I went.
But I said no.
I would do things exactly how I did.
Don't get me wrong, I miss how things used to be so. Damn. Much. But, as I reflected on my present life I realized that what I have right now is good too. Even if I don't think so at times (Yes, I'm talking about when my HBO Max wouldn't work so I couldn't watch Euphoria. I mean hey, any 20 year old is gonna be upset by that.)
My new coffee stand doesn't know my name, but they always remember what we had talked about the last time I visited. My best friend is almost 50 miles away, but we talk every day and still see each other once a week. My Mom can't come into my room to talk anymore, but we video call every week and we laugh so hard that sometimes I forget she is so far.
I take walks in the city and I go to flower stands. When I pass people on the street I smile and they always smile back. I walk down to the lake and pretend I'm on vacation. I make friends my age and when I do get to see the people I love, it is always SO much more meaningful.
So no, I would not do things differently. Sometimes you need change to open your eyes to see how much life has to offer. It is such a great, big, extraordinary life to live and while I miss what it used to be, I'm excited to see where I go.
Yes it's quieter now but that just means it is my turn to make it noisy and eventful again. Things don't have to be dull and dreary if you won't let them be! It is so easy to get caught in the past or too worried of the future. I think we should all stop and take time to look around at our lives right now and take in appreciation for the little things. Even if our life isn't exactly how we planned or thought, doesn't mean it isn't interesting in it’s own way.
I remind myself I’m only 20 all the time. I don't need to be so caught up in the past— there isn’t even that much past to be analyzing this much! I have so much more ahead of me than I do behind me.
See me and Bre will go back to normal after a deep talk like this. We'll go back to talking about what color nail polish we're getting next or what we're excited to see come onto Netflix soon. And while it may just be silly little office chatter among 2 young women, I think something so small and simple, adds so much to a beautiful and happy life. And it is little things like that, that hold so much more meaning now, that make me content with my choices.
I can say now in confidence, I wouldn't do a single thing differently.
I’d like to thank all of the support and kind words I have received! It truly means a lot to me and although this one is more personal and may not be relatable, I wanna thank anyone who has read this far!
Another great article Sweetheart! Very talented writer and a gift of making it understandable and relatable. Very proud of you!
Life is an adventure for anyone that chooses to see it that way.
So glad you do!
Blessings
Love it Chloe. Straight from the heart. Thank you. And from experience of 72 years, I'll say ywhen you look back on life, you don't regret what you did so much as what you didn't do.